I think this is the first time that I share something personal here… well.
I’m going today to a wedding but I’ll be a second shooter. I’m really nervous, I’m not sure if I want to repeat this experience; I’ve been so stressed I’ve had gastritis for the last three days and the fact that I’ve been eating a lot of unhealthy food definitely does not help.
The idea of screwing up, delivering “bad” photos or simply just shots that will not be of the other photographers liking is really making me super anxious, that and the social interactions in an environment with people that are totally strangers to me, even the photographer is getting me close to a panic attack. I couldn’t sleep, I just slept like three hours… I really just want this day to end.
Don’t get me wrong, I love photography and I love weddings even if they make me feel so anxious, but the fact that I’m not working on my own terms is what is worrying me so much. I thought I was going to be cool with it but as the days passed, after I came to an agreement with a photographer,I started to feel the urge to cancel and that urgency grew more and more as the day was coming closer. Of course I decided it wouldn’t be professional to cancel since one of the things we discussed was commitment and stability, I just thought it wouldn’t look good on me to tell him, two weeks after we talked “hey, guess what, I’m not going to be able to help you after all, sorry!”… and it would’ve been much easier to cancel if we didn’t share friends in common… The friend we have in common is a guy that has helped me a lot with my work and is dedicating a lot of his time and energy on my stuff and myself. He was the one who told me about the gig and I kind of felt compromised.
Also, I’m all on my own… I’m not used to work without my boyfriend and it will feel very weird not having someone by my side helping me, whether it is taking photos or simply holding my bag, handling me a lens, or just standing there with me keeping me company; just typing this is making me teary eyed, I feel like an idiot. I’m just not used to be away from him, I’m used to do everything with him and him going with me everywhere. Not being with him makes me feel incomplete, even if it is for work, I just don’t feel safe. I’m hoping this is just something that I’ll forget once I start working… (it usually happens) but I just wish I didn’t have to feel this way, it just simply feels like it’s too much, at least this time… no… especially this time. I don’t know if this wedding was just at a bad timing or if I’m really not the kind of person who works well with other people… I don’t know.
Anyways, my biggest concern is not producing good photos for the couple… even though I have no idea who they are, I want to be able to produce good photos for them so I’ll just focus on that.